I think better in the heat

I've found a yoga studio a little over a month ago. They offer many type of yoga classes but I always opt for bikram yoga. I began practicing it when I was in NY and since then, I'm kind of hooked.

The class consist of 26 poses in a heated room (about 41 Celsius, 105 Fahrenheit). It can be a bit overwhelming and even too suffocating, but the after effects are great. One feels so much better and refreshed. What I like most, however, is the fact that inside that hot room, while I'm trying to stretch, to twist and maintain a pose, my mind goes blank and I'm just thinking about my body, the little goal of reaching to this and that position--it's as if I'm just forgetting about anyone and anything else.

It is during those 90 minutes that I compete against myself, when I push against my limits and feel comfort that I haven't reached some of them yet but will eventually. There's no they but me, the air (or lack thereof) I breath, the point I focus on, the thump of my heart as it accelerates and decelerates with every position, the feeling of sweat running along my brows and head... There's no judging, no why you're doing this right or wrong, but how you can make it better perhaps not now but definitely later.

It is in those few minutes when I don't worry about why I feel like standing in the middle of nowhere. I've been whining and complaining about anything and everything during the last couple of months, about why I can't do or get this and that. But truth to be told, I've also given up and just settled at whatever midpoint in the air I've been floating on.

I give myself goals but perhaps they're too broad, too wide, too big to accomplish by myself. I've been focusing too much on that stain on my white shirt as my yoga instructor says. Instead of hoping for something that could miraculously mask that stain, I should simply take the shirt off, wash it, and put it on again. It's not shameful to admit that I had a stain on it. I should actually feel ashamed for hiding said stain and pretending it would go away without actually doing something about it.

As I came back home and hoped to do great things, I lost my purpose and my sense of direction. My frustration blindsided me. Now, I'm trying to find a new journey, but this time, just like in my yoga class, there's no they I should think about. But me, what makes my heart beat passionately even in the most uncomfortable environments. It's too early to get a straight "right" now. There's a "you can make it better, if not at the moment, then later. But keep trying, push your limits and see where you get first."