Had a "heart to heart" talk with mother--if one wants to call it that way-- and let her know my doubts, my hesitation, and what I really want versus what I think they (family) want from me.
It's good to know that she supports me in whatever decisions I'm making. After all, and I quote, "all of them are reasonable, demand effort and hard work, but are worth it for your future." I'm glad. So very glad. It's as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Where I am from, every one expects a person who has been studying in the US to live the "American dream." To pursue it and achieve it: to end up here with a nice house and family and make money. I came here not necessarily with that mentality. I came here to educate myself, to learn from sources and opportunities I knew I didn't have at home. I came here to become a better person both intellectually, professionally, and personally.
While staying here is a very nice opportunity--after all, I've been here for six years and it does feel like a second home--I'm also not desperate. If I have good job offers that allow me to stay longer, good. If not, I'll simply look somewhere else. I just want to do something I'm passionate about. I want to be able to wake up every morning and say, 'it may demand a lot of work sometimes, but I love what I do. And if I don't love it, at least I like it enough to continue on. Location is not a problem, but whether the job is there and how much I want to pursue it.' It's very idealistic, very fantasy-like, but it's doable.
I was taught that nothing is impossible except when one is dead. Well, I want to keep trying. I have failed so many times. I moan and complain and cry. I whine, get angry, and just snap at people. But deep inside, I know I should just stop being so annoying and keep pushing. But lord, it gets so tiring. So very exhausting, especially when everything seems to be an elastic that will just go back to its original form.
I had a long talk today with many professors and colleagues, and I got excellent feedback. Many of them have so much confidence, trust, and expectations from me. I'm both flattered and touched by their confidence vote. I really am. I suppose I just want to make sure that whatever I do will make me happy. That I will keep paths open and choose one or the other if something doesn't work out. It's time-consuming, and even effort-consuming; very uncertain, but I will not choose this or that because is the last option, but because there's plan A, B, C, and so forth (all of them are possible, doable, and good).
I don't believe in closing myself inside a box (ironic since academia, one of those paths, is very bubble-ish). I want choices that will both benefit me and those who surround me. I want to make a difference. That's my goal. To make people happy and/or give them hope. That's why I'll try the diplomatic path. Because I want to improve the situation of the people in my country, and to develop projects with other diplomats/leaders on how to change lives for the better.
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