Living history

So Barack Obama was elected as the 44th president of the United States. I'll be cliche and say that, indeed, this is historic. It is so because of what it means, its symbolism. Having an African American as president means that some barriers may have been overcome. Of course, that does not mean things will change from one day to another, but it is a step forward.

That said, I also think it is somehow scary and nerve-wracking. On the one hand, there is a lot on his shoulders. It is not only about dealing with the mess the previous presidency left him with, but also, it is about dealing with the reminder that, if he messes up, more prejudices will be directed toward African American people. On the other hand and going along the previous lines, after living in this country for about five years, I can say that discrimination and crazy people who strongly believe in that are simply around the corner. Therefore, I fear for his life and/or the welfare of his family.

Granted, being the president of one of the most powerful countries in the world implies that he/she may face many attacks and threats from uncooperative and vicious parties. But even if I don't want to admit it, in Obama's case, the race card can also have a great impact. Interestingly, it is not about outside (foreign) threats I fear the most, but the domestic ones. Even if this country has been built under the beliefs of equality and opportunity, the legacy of the "white man's burden" or "white superiority" is still present.

I feel bad writing this, but it is true. International eyes looked up (and hopefully still continue to do so) the US as the land of the possible, ignoring many times that here just like anywhere else, there is poverty, discrimination, and very marked divisions. It is a problem that has existed from its constitution and I think will continue for a long time. After all, human nature, unfortunately, can be petty, selfish, and - for a lack of a better word - mean.

Nevertheless, Obama's election still represents a lot. It is about the hope of a nation, the faith they have that things can change. So as I said, there is a lot of pressure, and for his sake and that of the people who believe in him, let's just hope he does a good job, or at least, make people not regret that they voted for him.

.......................

On a completely different note, I just came back from having a late dinner with two of the new cohorts at my department. They're really nice and I'm so but so very glad I was able to go out. Even if I have so much stuff to do. I have been feeling trapped and very stressed out (when not), but this time, going out was not needed but required.

I don't understand what is wrong. I'm not taking nearly as many classes as before but I'm doing terribly. My papers are from lame to decent, and I can't even finish most of my readings without feeling that my mind is completely blocked. Moreover, I feel stupid in my classes. I feel ridiculously stupid, as in having nothing interesting to say or making much sense.

My mother tells me that in life, one has to take the "stupid" or "know nothing" approach. It is only like this that one actually learns something. If one believes that he/she already knows stuff and is an expert on it, then his/her ego won't let this person be open minded and learn more. I completely believe in this. However, in my mind, there's a difference between assuming the knowing nothing position and be willing to learn about new things, and feeling completely stupid because everything one says does not make sense at all. So, I truly don't know what's wrong with me.

According to my sister, I'm burned out. As in suffering from exhaustion and seriously need time off. She may be right, but I still have a semester and half to go through. My mind can't give up like this right now, not when I'm writing a thesis that can be a prospectus of foundation for my dissertation if I want to go to a doctoral program. Not when I'm trying to look for jobs and try to make myself look that I'm the "right" candidate for whatever places I'm applying to.

Oh life... you're just so... so full challenges and unstoppable worries...