I usually try to write something insightful at the end of the year. However, this year, my inspiration is pretty much gone. Right now, all I have left is sarcasm and a "way-too-real" point of view about the world. Depressing in some way, but this is how life has treated me during the last year. Of course, I should not disregard the few good things that have happened. And for them, I'm very grateful. Moreover, that makes me appreciate them even more because I know how hard it is to be somehow happy.
I'm not that optimistic anymore, but I'm not that pessimistic either. Instead, I'm just trying to accept the good and fight against the bad if I can do so. My year has been filled with disappointments, worries, fear, tears, deception, and what have you. But I also had moments of laughter, true friendship, new discoveries, and somehow hope (however small it seems to be right now). Also love. Love from my family and love from very close friends. It's amazing how much a hug can mean. A real one. I feel that as the years pass by, it's so difficult to have the luxury of hugging people. Grown ups are so worried about their personal spaces, about protecting their world that they forget how wonderful is to feel someone close to you. Not only your significant partner or your parents, or siblings, but someone who cares too.
As a teenager, as my current best friends got closer and more like siblings to me, when my own siblings started to realize that regardless of what happened, we're still family, when my parents knew that I was old enough to understand what care, love, and joy were, I received so many hugs. And I gave so many as well. There wasn't the shyness I encounter now, there wasn't the careful thinking people do now before they let themselves being embraced by supposed strangers. Perhaps, living in a different country with a more cautious culture has something to do with everything. But I always believed that loneliness is something that no human being desires to feel. That's why we live in societies, that's why we get attached to certain groups. Whether we're too social, or we are not, there's always one or more people around us.
It seems so hypocritical to say that we should be more like children, whose innocence is what we lose as adults, whose innocence is what should make us more tolerant and more receiving. But even kids today are becoming so twisted. This universal belief that sex is the only way to sell, that voyeurism is the only way to get noticed, that blood and hate and scandal are the only mediums to know - meet - other human beings around the globe, we're becoming so full of ourselves that even the innocence we were supposedly protecting is disappearing little by little.
How can we become children or try to have a "childish" heart if now, it's looked down upon. How can we become better, or try to at least, when becoming better means becoming weaker? That's why I have become more sarcastic, cynical, and more guarded than before. It's not just a shield to protect my feelings, it's not just because my pains were so overwhelming that I didn't want to show the world how weak I was becoming. It's simply a way to adjust to the kind of society we're living in. And although I miss the hugs, and kisses, and true smiles, and true laughter, they are still there - only that now, they are reserved to those who know how to truly appreciate them. It sounds exclusive, and even mean, but I can't give something so precious to someone, teach him or her to like it, love it when he/she is not willing to accept any of this graciously.
So three hundred and sixty five days, twelve months, one year and all I have heard about was about young women and men losing themselves, about the lack of tolerance, the lack of hope and true inspiration. Scandal overrode simplicity. The simplicity of smiling, of loving honestly, of being just oneself without the pounds of make up on.
One year gone and another will start. But nothing will change unless we truly want to. Moving up one number, switching the name of the month won't do anything if we don't want to make the so called sacrifice - to be happy, to be better, to be simpler.
I still have a flicker of hope, and I still believe. I may not change the world, but I can give hugs to those willing to be hugged. And for now, that should be enough.
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