Out of the Blue

Have you ever felt sad or lonely out of the blue? To me, today is one of those days - and the weather is not helping, not even a bit. I suppose this is caused by stress, or just because sometimes, emotions want to come out but they don' t have a way to do so. Mine have been carefully guarded for a while now, so this must be a mini-rebellion.

Nevertheless, sad or lonely, I can't believe my first semester as a MA student is almost done. Time has flown and I feel as if I have not accomplished what I wanted to accomplish, at least not completely. I have had so many plans, and I still have them, but whenever I wanted to make them real, there's always something blocking my way. Optimism is slowly deserting me. My hopes, my goals, my dreams... as each day passes by, I feel as if there are forces that are purposely making me want to give up. I can't and I won't, but the soul gets tired.

The last two years have been one trial after another, one fall after another, one hit, one punch... I have so many scars now. I remember my mother telling me that these scars will make me stronger, that at the end they will help me to build the wall I need to protect me from whatever attack. But what if those scars are so many that there may not be space for more, at least for a while? I have spent my days pretending to be very happy and smiley when in the inside, I simply feel alone and defeated. I was thinking the other night, and it has been very long since I have really laughed. Like, not the kind of laugh after a silly joke or something amusing, but the kind of laugh that makes you happy inside, the one which makes you feel warm and loved. I don't even know how to explain it. The kind of laugh that is indescribable and yet you know it represents happiness.

Of course, nothing is perfect in this world and happiness is fleeting. Moreover, we're always told that we should take whatever opportunities we have and be grateful for them, that everything is binomial: where there's laugh, there's also tears, where there's triumph, there's also failure. I am grateful for what I have. Don't get me wrong. But... I don't necessarily want more. I simply want to feel better, content. I want to feel the kind of happiness I could feel two years ago. I want that old self that did not have to hide all of her emotions to protect herself back. I want to be the same girl who could express her feelings confidently to close friends, to people who could really listen to her and give good advice - not words of pity and fake sympathy.

People change, and I have. But has it been for good or for bad? Admittedly, in some aspects I'm definitely better, but I feel that in other aspects, I have not become worse, but I'm hiding - scared of what others may think, or what they will say, or scared because I don't want to disappoint, to be weak.

I suppose I'm still trying to figure out who I am in a way. But, will I ever find the real me? Furthermore, how is the real me?