Being my typical psycho and OCD self, I usually knew what I wanted and how I wanted it. Ironically, I was never (and still am not) good at keeping up with calendars or agendas--in written form, that is. I'm *too* used to memorize dates and events.
In any case, during the last few months, I've been feeling as lost as ever.
I still remember when college started. I told myself, finish school in four years regardless of how many majors you decide to have, look for a job, get the job, eventually get a higher degree, and then maybe be a professor. It's been six years since then and while I managed to finish school in four years and skipped the part of finding a "stable job," I did finish a master's program that--while gave me great experiences and the opportunity of meeting fantastic people--has left me hanging on by a thread. Translation: I don't know what the hell I should do next.
Okay. Correction. I sort of know but I have too many choices. Paraphrasing what a good friend just told me, who also was quoting a favorite historian of his (Ray Huang): I have the freedom that many could not have. But I also have the freedom I don't need at the moment. I know I desire to go back to school, to continue doing research and, as idealistic as this may sound, make a difference. I want to help people through my knowledge and experiences. I want to put in action what I learned through words. Interestingly, I thought that having the MA would help me to get positions that could start this path for me. How wrong was I.
I don't regret my choice but I know now that it was the wrong choice. Admitting this to myself has pained me. In the quest of "becoming someone," I let pressure get a hold of me and my decisions became those of others. My desire to please and my own guilt led me to choose something without putting too much thought into it. Along the way, failures entered my door and instead of pushing back, I just convinced myself that whatever I already had was better for me. I didn't push harder. I simply gave up.
Right now, I feel the same way. Guilt has not disappeared, it's still there. I have also given up in many occasions; however, the time for new decisions has come and I cannot see clearly for the reasons just stated. I might have the freedom, but it's overwhelming since I have just finished unlocking the handcuffs around my wrists.
I don't know what to do because I'm expecting too much and I'm scared of falling again. I'm scared of making the same mistake and "wasting" more time and resources that could have been used more efficiently. I'm also scared of bruising that traitorous ego of mine and end up hurting those around me because I couldn't handle the disappointment.
This is just more whining and complaints. Yes, I have been and still am lucky to have what I have and achieved what I have achieved. But somewhere along the road, there are many things that it was better for me not to have done, or things I should have kept pushing for.
I want to be able to enjoy life while I'm deciding. I want to be able to learn more as I finally give myself the courage to step into a new jungle. But then again, fear is something I've never been good at. Fear at failure, that is.
*And so she falls....
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