I love my mother dearly; however, during the last couple of weeks, she has unknowingly made me feel more stressed out than I already am. She made me feel more depressed and doubtful about my future, and how an ungrateful child I have been or am. 

*sigh*

Guiltrips are not useful or even healthy lest how that could affect one's self-esteem. But after twenty-something years of being compared to other people, and then told that your choices have been terrible if not horrendous, I pretty much have nothing of that left. Nevertheless, whatever tiny believe I had in myself is almost gone or nonexistent. Drama-queen tendencies aside, this is why having Asian families sometimes is more a hassle than something that should be appreciated. 

You're always under everyone's scrutinity. The tiniest "I'm-better-than-you" thing you do makes people look at you even closer. And if you fail, oh no, you can't fail. You're not allowed to fail. You have to consider not only your "face" and reputation but also your whole family's. Even though it's your life, you're also living for everyone else. 

I never cared. I always shrugged my shoulders and just showed the middle finger. My parents would sometimes raise their eyebrows but let it pass. Times were different. People had different mentality. Whatever. But now that the economy continues to plummel, now that I'm about to graduate from a subject that is less than profitable and definitely not desirable for my parents when I initially made the choice; now that I refused to apply to any doctorate programs because I didn't feel ready (notice that there's a different between knowing that you want it and how prepared you feel for it) and wanted to take time off (what a sacreligious thing to do), now the huge iron has been thrown at me and it's threatening to not only asphyxiate me, but leave me like a weakling, torn-able piece of paper. 

I understand my mother's worry. I understand the fear. I myself am scared out of my mind. But please, I have my own conscience and pressure killing at me 24/7, 365 days a year. I don't need more crap. I don't need more comments about my uselessness, my bad decisions, my inability to oh-thrive-and-succeed just because I'm studying abroad. I know I have been a disappointment to "them." But please, don't make me feel even more disappointed at myself than I already am. How can I try to be better when you're making me doubt about myself and feel that I'm just useless?