Ah, grad school

I know I'm crazy. But bleh. It's almost five in the morning and I'm still up writing a short paper. Why do I feel that all my Mondays will be spent like this? No matter how much I read in advance and try to work on these short papers (for every Tuesday) since the previous week, I always end up finishing them up at the last minute. >.<

But honestly, I want to do a good job. These will determine my grade for the class and thus far, I'm between a B+ and a A-. I suck. Having these type of grades makes me wonder if I truly belong in grad school. Makes me doubt myself. Bill from Polsci told me that having a A- is like, I don't know, reconsider what you're doing here. Having a B+ is like, get out of here and consider finding another job. Cali said something similar on Sunday in our study session. *stresses out even more*

While I admit that I'm mostly here to learn (darn it), if I want to do my Ph.D. (thus far, about 80-90% sure) my grades matter - at least for the programs I want to apply to. Also, everyone else seems so well connected with professors and such so they have a wide range of people they can use as reference. In my case, I think I've asked the same professors to write me recommendation letters during the last couple of years. That indicates something. -_- It's frustrating!

*sigh* I'm doubting myself again. Darn you self-confidence and self-esteem. Why did I have to grow up being compared with every cousin my age or older? Why do I even care if I know it hinders my... "healthy" emotional state?!

Comparisons suck...