My chest has been hurting this morning, as in literally. O_o

I think I need to slow down on the caffeine... and the stress (though this seems impossible). I haven't had any pains since I was 17 or so (but that's what I said about my migraine last year and I have had about four in the past year and half or so).

My body hates me, I think. I was very healthy, as in never had a sick day for school - ever - when I was in elementary school. Things started changing when I was about 14-15. First the arrhythmia, then anemia was added to the pot, migraines, random heart/chest pains... bleh. I think I may be dying and I'm not even aware of it? LOL. Sounds so pitiful...

Anyhow, my day has been sad as well. I have been feeling melancholic. On the one hand, I have my reasons since yesterday was 27. It's my excuse, I know, but it's inexplicable to me that every time that date comes closer and closer I feel blue during the days that surround it. I both want to be left alone and need company. What a contradiction.

On the other hand, I miss my close friends. I can't believe that I have been friends with them for almost a decade, or over a decade. I miss their jokes, their warmth, their hugs. I miss their honesty, sometimes too blunt, sometimes very subtle.

I simply miss the old days when I didn't have so many worries and when pain was still a considerably foreign concept to me. I had my share of difficulties - as everyone else - while growing up. But as time passes by, deceptions and disappointments keep increasing and I feel as if happiness will never come close, or if it does, it will be so brief that it's imperceptible.

People tend to focus on what's gone and what they don't have. They should focus on what they have accomplished, what they have gained, and what remains. But it's so very hard. We're selfish beings, or at least I am, and sometimes I wish for more. I wish for more laughs, more smiles, more comfort, more peace of mind and heart.

These years have been hard, almost like a nightmerish dream that I'm both willing and unwilling to wake up from. I have learnt many lessons, I have also dismissed a lot of them. One reason is my rejection to more pain; another one, my stubbornness.

I'm stubborn in the sense that I will keep fighting for what I want, for my dreams and goals, and hopes, even if they are almost impossible. But I'm also so stubborn that I refuse to put my whole heart in the open and let it be stepped on. I have shed a lot of tears for a while now, my family and I, we have cried a lot. I don't want to cry anymore. I refuse to, even if sometimes the urge is too big. My pride tells me that I can stand against more. That I shall stay strong and show that. But truth to be told, more often than not, my own fragility scares me.

Right now, some chances have been offered to me. But I sense that they will only be temporary and in the long-run, I'll cry again. I have been asking myself this for the last few days: take the risks and have the possibility of being hurt again, of feeling pain; or guard myself as much as possible and keep moving on, on my own, and yet, lose the opportunity to experience something new, something that perhaps can help me heal?

I sincerely don't know.

Hopes, dreams, goals, future... everything is coming like a tornado toward me. So many decisions to take. So many challenges to face, and so many battles to fight. As each day goes by, time runs and stops and then keeps running.

I don't know what to do anymore.